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Parenting: How Language Plays a Part in the Parenting Process.

Language

by Karrie Ross, exerpt from Engaging The Textured Parent! Within
(c) 2008 Be It Now  All rights reserved

Having become aware of the previous textures of awareness, acceptance, accountability and action, we are now more aware of the importance of language and how it affects our life. Language is one of the most influential ways we connect with ourselves both internally and externally. What we say really does matter. By changing the meaning we place on events though the words we attribute to them, we change the emotional vibration attached to the event and eventually our world changes within this new perspective.

Speech is like a mirror, a magnet, a window. As we speak, it designs us, it defines us. When we sound angry or sound negative, we are perceived as negative or depressed. Language defines us. When we are speaking, we are also listening. What subconscious response are we telling ourselves about us by the words we use? Language helps us maintain a healthy outlook and control harmful negativity. These are important aspects of being a consciously connected person. By using a correct attitude towards language, we create a healthy state of being within ourselves. As we speak, we also listen.

If we say something like, “Money doesn’t grow on trees, or life is hard, we must work hard,” these are thoughts that we are building into our subconscious. These thoughts will create related states, moods, and create situations that will stop our growth later on in life. Thinking “life is hard”, might lead to not being able to keep a job. Believing that “Money doesn’t grow on trees” might lead to either over spending or the feeling of poverty or lack in our life which eventually affects self worth and confidence.

How we “are”, behave, becomes part of our cellular makeup on a genetic level (chemistry). And it takes a lot of concentrated effort to change negative chemistry into a positive force and become masters of and for a consciously woven texture. The more we get angry or throw tantrums  or get punished for just throwing the tantrum, the more these actions will create a pathology on a cellular level if the specific behavior is not addressed from the place where it is coming from—misdirected language. Creating a strategy of being able to speak clearly about what is happening, setting rules, boundaries and limits, and learning to listen and make affirmations will increase our ability to create and live a healthy and productive life.

Language is who we are, the speaking of us, the designing of us, the defining of us, or others. Watch how we define our children and how the children define others. “She is the pretty one.  She is the smart one.”  These are words that can affect the other child’s life by not being that “one.”

Language is not just an external action. We also use language for internal discussions. In fact, our internal dialogue is more constant than our external speaking. When we observe the way we speak to ourselves internally and the way we feel when we hear it, it presents us with an opportunity to change the way we see and feel about ourselves on the inside. This new image is then projected outwardly so it can be mirrored back to us by the people we meet. We show the world how we feel internally through our external thoughts, words and actions and then this image is reflected back to us by the way people respond to our behavior. So, if people are eager to engage us in activities and conversations, this is a reflection of our ability to successfully engage and converse with them.
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Watch how we as parents define our children in our words, actions, and in relatedness to ourself. Keep in mind, that they are not as experienced as we are and therefore don’t know as much. They are still in primary learning mode and they listen to what we say, though that is in questions at times, they still listen. A good way to weave the threads that promote a healthy consciousness is to keep happy, loving, allowing and encouraging thoughts about our children in our mind, feelings and actions as much as possible. Being careful not to voice thoughts that create feelings of disappointment, fear or blame. Remember how we are and behave reflects back to us through others actions and reactions.
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When speaking, look for words that don’t distort the past and future. Keep a handle on what happened in the moment and don’t embellish the facts with personal emotional desires. If we say, “Well, you always do things this way.”  That was in the past. Slow down, observe, take a breath and talk about what is happening now. Stay present.

A good way to encourage this ability is to mentally relive an event from the position of “fly-in-the-corner” looking down on the action, keeping emotion and personal desires out of the mental rerun. This will become easier with practice. Once this new picture is formed, be honest and present in the moment. Begin honestly assessing what happened. I found this hard at first, but once I became aware of how I self-sabotaged my thoughts by not being totally present and honest to the memory, it became easier and I found I was more relaxed, less stressed, I felt less helpless and I no longer held a defensive or victim mindset. Now I take full responsibility for my behavior no matter what the consequences. Over time this has built into a present time ability and I seldom need to rerun events. I more often live in the now and respond within the moment of occurrence. And for the rare times I feel like I made a fool of myself by my behavior, I carefully rerun the event, place the learning in memory and file it away as an old habit.
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Story: My son would come home from school and start talking with this slang language and laziness in the way he would speak and convey his thoughts to the extent that I sat him down and said, “I don’t understand what you are saying when you use this type of language. When you are out in the world and you are with your friends and you guys want to speak this special language, you go right ahead. But when you are in this house and when you are with me or with our family, you will be speaking proper English.  And that’s that!” Months later when he started working, he came home one night and he said, “Mom thank you so much for making me speak proper English because a young girl came in to where I work and I could barely understand what she was saying in her slang language.” And he said, “I am so happy that you were persistent in making me speak correctly.”
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Framing a situation, setting context. We frame our textures within words and in language. As an example, being angry is a label we attach to the emotion which gives it a distinction. Anger is a feeling, not a situation. By separating the word from the emotion we are able to disassociate from it and create a new perspective and meaning for situations that occur.

There is this saying, “If you do not like something, change it. If you cannot change it, change the way you think about it.” This is called framing and reframing. In reframing challenges, you can create games. A lot of new parents have done this. If a child does not want to eat, you put the food on the spoon and you make the sound of a a chuga-chuga train as the spoon travels into their mouth. These are ways to create interest and make learning fun for them.

When reframing with outings, I used to send my son to the YMCA where they had outings every couple of weeks through the summer. They would actually go away on a camping trip or a bus tour. These were all experiences that helped my son get out into the world and see things with his peers without a parent around. This form of outing is healthy for children to relate to later in life when they
realize they are able to take care of themselves without their parents being around.
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Language examples can be found in the stories we write that express how we feel, such as journaling. The action of rereading these stories allow insights into how we present ourselves to the world interms of whether our language is positive or negative. Do we complain?  Are we stating facts or imagined events? Are we speaking in an “I” and a “we?” Or a “them” and a “he/she?” What is the voice of this language we are using? We are a work in progress. By interacting with different people, we expand our ability to see new perspectives and experience different possibilities by engaging in different types of activities like art, music, storytelling, and doing things that use our hands, our fingers, how we move when we talk. These activities invite our emotions and our senses that stimulate the different parts of our brain. They develop our ability to create the world we love.

My favorite example, is the cardboard box that a child makes into a car or makes into a boat. What do we make things mean to us by the words we use? Why? Are they real or imagined? Where do we place the meaning that provides us with choices? What are the words we use? Words allow us to create our life. We create the world around us within our imagination by the meaning we assign and our actions and reactions to external experiences which are considered internally.
With language, when our children are feeling something, we can teach them to have a word that goes along with the feeling for expression. Are they feeling happy?  Are they feeling excited?  Are they feeling tired?  Are they feeling, “Oh, my gosh, I lost so much!”

How can teach them to associate words with their thoughts and actions? Helping them see where they are placing the meaning that they will associate to and with these words for the rest of their lives? By encouraging our children to join in our conversations, asking questions, allowing them to express themselves, and guiding them to connect the abilities of thinking and comprehending feelings, words and the meaning they attach, we are activating within them, a world that notices, encourages and welcomes their participation.

Language and words influence our lives in ways we are not even aware of or would consider to be change. We are surrounded by advertising of all kinds on signs, billboards and on the TV. If we read, they appear in the material we read. Remember the last book you really enjoyed… the way the author expressed his or her opinion…here are examples of word influences that can be found everywhere we look. And we are continuously, subconsciously, faced with the action of having to filter out what does and/or doesn’t fit within our values.

Each day we wake up with language. What is the first thing, internally or externally, that we hear and how does it influence the way we feel? It’s amazing when we begin to watch our smallest actions, reactions, that we aren’t even aware we do. And when we use a new language and give a new “voice” to our actions and reactions, we change the effect, the control, they have on who we are each moment of every day.
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Coaching is about language. It’s about creating new perspectives and energy. When I had my son in the 1970s these concepts were just beginning to be introduced into society by way of motivational concepts. So I ask you, “What is life if not motivation?” “How does that appear for you?” and “Do you know what you want and what does it look like?” Once you know this, I encourage you to place the vision and move towards it with every conscious energy and action you have.

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Karrie Ross is a Life Coach and mother. She can be reached at karrie@beitnow.com

Tags: Engaging The Textured Parent! Within, Karrie Ross, parenting, parenting tips